A Year Long Redefining

April 12^th, 2016.

I had a calling. “Go.” “But for how long?” “Follow me.”

I had a calling to go with no ending time or date. I sold everything, dropped my job, even gave my dog away. Clothes that wouldn’t be needed in Guatemala went to the thrift store, furniture from my apartment sold in a garage sale. Everything was gone.

June 15^th, 2016.

I was on a plane to Guatemala in tears. Yes, you read that right, tears. Actually, a more accurate description would be sobbing. I was alone, I had nothing, I let go of my most beloved items and the life I had built in Cashiers, NC. Bottom line? I let go of my identity. All I knew was that I was more terrified of not following God then losing my things in order to follow Gods call.  

6 Months Later.

Plans, hearts, callings changed. Although many other things went down in Guatemala that some people may never understand, through the confusion, God called me back to the states.

Um, What?

Why, God? I was supposed to be moving here, never looking back. My whole life I believed that I was going to be a missionary in the jungles teaching the lost and broken. No.

November 17^th, 2016

I had a flight home. Leaving. I was broken, confused, and lost. I left what had become my life in Guatemala. Ultimately? I lost the identity of who I thought I would be the rest of my life.

The days, weeks, months after coming home have been the most painful, challenging, and confusing times of my life. When you have been stripped of everything physically and mentally, there’s not much to do but fall on your knees in humility and ask God to fully come in to mold you to His identity and not one that you created.

April 12^th, 2017.

Exactly a year after I sold everything to follow a calling.

Do I have an answer to my question as to why I went through what I did; the pain, hurt, and brokenness? I sure don’t and to be frank, I’m not sure I care for an exact answer. But I do know what happened to me is something so indescribably beautiful. God asked me to strip myself of all belongs and identity I had defined myself with; my job, my family, friends; anything and everything I was asked to give up. He truly stripped my life of everything and took me to a place of deep understanding of who He is when there is nothing left in my life to define me.

You see, I found out, we define ourselves by what we hold most dear to our hearts, relationships, jobs, money, friends…whatever it is in your life that is the closest to your heart, that is what will define you. I came back home to realize that I could no longer define myself by what I used to define myself with because I no longer had them. I followed a calling, I sold all my belongings, I lost the identity I had created for myself, and I now realize what a beautiful thing it is when you only have God in your life to truly define who you are.  

(A picture I drew when I was leaving Guatemala. I realize now that when you let God define your life, you are letting the artist make something beautiful out of what could be just
black and white.)