Learning To Be Loved

Have you ever wondered about love? Such a powerful word that is so easily thrown around in this world today. Lately I’ve noticed that I have quite the difficulty with this little word. When it comes to loving others, it is one of my greatest joys. I enjoy giving gifts, writing notes, finding the best way to love people and love them that way. It’s what drives an unexplainable joy in my life.

In the contrast, I have an extremely difficult time allowing others to love me. In fact, there are very very few people in my life that have found ways to love me because the minute I have love shown towards me, I turn away, back off, or run the opposite direction.

Such extremes that I only wish were used for a literacy purpose, but very accurate to what happens in my life. The fact that I cannot let others love me hurts because I know when I don’t allow others to love me, then I am not loving them by pushing them away.

I’ve been challenged to dig deep in my times with God and figure out the root to why I have such a difficulty accepting love when I enjoy so greatly giving away love. I was looking for something in my past to point to and blame; someone, something; a relationship that was broken, a hurtful conversation or interaction that turned me off from love…I couldn’t find something.

Ever so gently God began to reveal the root to the issue. That’s the idea that I cannot allow humans to love because I have never truly allowed God to love me first. I was taken aback by the idea at first and then I began to search my life. The crazy thing is, is that I know God loves me, but could I specifically point to times where I allowed God to just love me for me? I couldn’t. Just as I pushed others love away, so I pushed His love away; believing I wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t accept love because it made me vulnerable to a side of human emotions that I wasn’t comfortable with…something I couldn’t control.

This whole time, I have loved people, I have let God use me to love the broken, lost, and hurting. Ultimately though, I have never allowed God to love me. God wants to love me just as much as he wants to use me to love others. Instead I allow my insecurities and fears to trap me inside a box where I come out just enough to give love, but the minute I feel love, I hide away.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized, how long can a person go in life loving others when the only model of perfect love can’t even love that person in their own life. Obviously not long in my life as others have suffered the consequences of me pushing aside friendships, running from situations, only to avoid love in every way possible.

Maybe you don’t have the extremes that I have in my life of pushing love away. But I do challenge you to find a way that God loves on you and acknowledge that. Thank Him every time He shows you that love and never let it slip by. It’s a beautiful thing to be loved, but we must learn how to be loved correctly by the ultimate lover. The one who shows us unconditional love. If you don’t know of a way that God loves you, find a way. He is so ready to love us. In fact, he loves us every moment of every day, it’s just if we are willing and open to accepting it.

A Year Long Redefining

April 12^th, 2016.

I had a calling. “Go.” “But for how long?” “Follow me.”

I had a calling to go with no ending time or date. I sold everything, dropped my job, even gave my dog away. Clothes that wouldn’t be needed in Guatemala went to the thrift store, furniture from my apartment sold in a garage sale. Everything was gone.

June 15^th, 2016.

I was on a plane to Guatemala in tears. Yes, you read that right, tears. Actually, a more accurate description would be sobbing. I was alone, I had nothing, I let go of my most beloved items and the life I had built in Cashiers, NC. Bottom line? I let go of my identity. All I knew was that I was more terrified of not following God then losing my things in order to follow Gods call.  

6 Months Later.

Plans, hearts, callings changed. Although many other things went down in Guatemala that some people may never understand, through the confusion, God called me back to the states.

Um, What?

Why, God? I was supposed to be moving here, never looking back. My whole life I believed that I was going to be a missionary in the jungles teaching the lost and broken. No.

November 17^th, 2016

I had a flight home. Leaving. I was broken, confused, and lost. I left what had become my life in Guatemala. Ultimately? I lost the identity of who I thought I would be the rest of my life.

The days, weeks, months after coming home have been the most painful, challenging, and confusing times of my life. When you have been stripped of everything physically and mentally, there’s not much to do but fall on your knees in humility and ask God to fully come in to mold you to His identity and not one that you created.

April 12^th, 2017.

Exactly a year after I sold everything to follow a calling.

Do I have an answer to my question as to why I went through what I did; the pain, hurt, and brokenness? I sure don’t and to be frank, I’m not sure I care for an exact answer. But I do know what happened to me is something so indescribably beautiful. God asked me to strip myself of all belongs and identity I had defined myself with; my job, my family, friends; anything and everything I was asked to give up. He truly stripped my life of everything and took me to a place of deep understanding of who He is when there is nothing left in my life to define me.

You see, I found out, we define ourselves by what we hold most dear to our hearts, relationships, jobs, money, friends…whatever it is in your life that is the closest to your heart, that is what will define you. I came back home to realize that I could no longer define myself by what I used to define myself with because I no longer had them. I followed a calling, I sold all my belongings, I lost the identity I had created for myself, and I now realize what a beautiful thing it is when you only have God in your life to truly define who you are.  

(A picture I drew when I was leaving Guatemala. I realize now that when you let God define your life, you are letting the artist make something beautiful out of what could be just
black and white.)

Our Right To Glorify

    

    Let me state up front, I'm not choosing a political side on social media...I'm not even a political person. However, my heart is so burdened today for the generation before me, my generation, and most importantly, the example we are setting for the generations to come.

     I’m afraid we have become a nation that feels entitlement strongly. We believe we have a right to whatever we set our minds to. When this entitlement is taken away, we become enraged because that was ours before and we are entitled to have it.

I am not here to condemn any “rights” movement.

I’m not here to condemn your personal belief.

    However, I am here to ask you to take a step back and ask yourselves what truly matters in life? We were created here on earth for one purpose and one purpose only; to glorify God in everything we do…to worship an incredible God who created all and lets be reminded, also owns all. You see, when we truly look at it, we don’t have rights as humans EXCEPT a right to glorify God. Although we may be given different rights/privileges, they ultimately belong to God.

     I challenge you with this picture of a beloved little child in Guatemala who has a joy on her face that is, if we are being honest, very hard to find on a face in America. This precious little one has no rights at all. She is classified as the lowest of low. So low that many Americans could never fathom her life because our poorest are even rich in terms of this little girl. She has the dress that is on her and that only. She’s lucky to be fed once a day. Free education is not a right…the teachers will maybe show up once a week to their village school if they are lucky. She has worms in her belly at all times because medicine is not an option for this family.

    But yet, she has a joy that is so unexplainable that it is not of this world. She has true joy, not happiness. She doesn’t ask for rights because she knows her rights are in Christ. This little girl wakes up every morning knowing who Jesus is in her life and that is all she is joyful for.

     Please, during this time of turmoil and unrest in our nation, I ask you to look at where you place your rights. Take a step back and look at the grander picture; the world; the brokenness going on around us; the lost and the lonely that we encounter every day. Remind yourself that our right in this world is to glorify God in everything and let go of all other rights.

(This was a caption I wrote with this picture 8 months ago and I decided to keep it as I felt it fitting for the blog. )

“When we finally come to the realization that this life really isn't about us, but about being the physical hands and feet of God, life becomes so much more simple.

Live Simply.

Love Others.”